Desideratum

I never know how to feel when something good happens. I don’t ever assume it will last and nor do I accept that I deserve it. I just figure things are shitty for some reason and I have sadly gotten used to it. The only thing that even remotely brings me joy is my abundant imagination and the music and books and entertainment that often fuels it. I do like helping others when I can too and so I try to check on my neighbors in my building. I hadn’t seen one in awhile and I began to worry. She was such a dear lady and was always pleasant to chat with. She talked often of her nephew. She said I would like him. She told me he was a lot like me and when I asked what she meant by that she said “you know, dark and cynical and strange”. I smiled and agreed, I would probably like him too.

I came home from grabbing a coffee and saw the door cracked open to her apartment. I peaked in and as I did I knocked and pushed the door open a bit. I could smell cigarette smoke and the room felt heavy as I stepped in. I looked over towards her bedroom and the door was open with her bed made, kitchen was clean and tidy but in the living room near the window there sat a man looking out the window. A cigarette in his hand his white shirt rolled up on the one side and I could see his bicep. His pants undone and his boot covered foot hung over the side of her easy chair by the window. His face soft yet hard with a dark beard and lips the sucked on the cigarette as I said “Hello?” He turned towards me and stood immediately. I was startled by his quickness and he by my intrusion. “Who are you and what are you doing in here?” I asked. “I could ask you the same question” he replied. “I live a floor up and I just thought I would check on….” I was trying to say more when he interrupted “My aunt, I’m James, her nephew”. “Oh, ok, she’s mentioned you several times to me” I said smiling and trying to pull my wet hair off my face. He walked towards me, his pants still undone and as he closed the space between us. My lungs searched for air and my skin thickened with some odd feeling. God, what the hell was happening to my stomach, it was literally flipping all over and I swear my thighs were tingling. He took another drag off of his cigarette and put it out in a tea cup he had on the table. I wanted to take a step back but my eyes were locked into his like a goddamn tractor beam. Hell, I almost took a step closer instead. He reached out for my hand that held my coffee and he took it. “Um, that’s mine” I said as he took a sip. “Yeah, but I wanted some” he said with a grin. Every single fiber of my being was ignited right then. Every bit of me was awoken with a sexual need that was literally palpitating in my veins and in-between my legs. He took another drink and made a sound so delicious when he swallowed it I almost moaned back in return. It was a like a fucking mating ritual had begun and I couldn’t get out of it and didn’t even know I wanted it.

He handed the coffee back to me and said “Thank you” with such a low gruff tone that I could feel the vibration of his voice inside me. He slid past me with ease and I turned to follow him. He leaned up against the counter and crossed his arms. I raised the cup to my mouth and took a drink as to show him I didn’t care that his mouth was just on it. He smiled as if to say he approved that I did that. But what really did it, what really kicked the heat up was that he watched my throat as I swallowed it. I saw his eyes peer down just enough to land on my throat so, of course, I tested it and took another sip. A longer, bigger one as to show off a bit. He almost laughed and had to adjust his stance. I have never been so immediately turned on in all my life. All it took was for him to look at me from that chair and it hit me like lighting. A full charge of electrical sex hitting me right in the bullseye. I know I was wet and not just from the rain.

“So, you had to go get a coffee in the rain?” he asked curiously. “Well, it wasn’t raining when I left and I don’t mind getting wet, I won’t melt” I said a little too confidently. He put his hand out towards me and waved me over so I took a couple steps and he took the cup again. “I didn’t know I was going to have to share or I would have gotten a bigger one” I said and as I did he looked up at me. Yeah, I meant that. And in that way. All of that way. I saw him with his pants undone already so I absolutely made the assumption. “You know my Aunt is with my family for a bit in case you were wondering still” he said as he handed the coffee back. “She wanted me to look after her place so I came into the city to do that for her after I got her off the train” I was relieved when he said that. “Good, I’m glad she’s ok, I was worried when I saw you here” I said. “You were worried?” he asked “Yes, of course” I answered back quickly and took another drink of my coffee looking at him. He leaned forward from the counter nearly right in front of me and said quietly and sharply “You didn’t look worried when you saw me”. I froze with necessity and took in a deep breath. My heart banging in my chest.

He noticed my response to him. He didn’t even hide it. He put it right out there in that living room. He drank my fucking coffee, with a smile, and I let him. I would secretly and internally vow right then that I would let him do anything to me or with me. I couldn’t even move. And I didn’t want to unless he made me move. “I was worried about her, not you” I declared. “She told me about you too, your name and age and what you liked, but she didn’t tell me just how fucking stunning you were” he said moving just a tiny bit closer. I shuttered as the room felt hotter and smaller. “She told me you were attractive but I mean, I wasn’t prepared for…..” I stopped. “For what?” he said closer still. I was silent. Scared of how I felt. Of how much I wanted him. A fucking stranger to me other than I knew his name and the few facts his aunt told me about. “For what, Liza?” he said closer still.

Oh God, he said my name.

My skin felt him. My body reacting to his closeness as my breathing hitched and the saliva in my mouth disappeared. “For you James…..for you” I said breathlessly. He was ravishing. His presence was sensually superior to any man or woman I have ever been around. It was instant. There was a gravity to him. A pull. A need. An invitation. A want that was switched on the moment I laid eyes on him. His scent was all around me. I was breathing him in. I wanted him to take me. It was like a lust bomb had exploded and the bombshell that I’d put in place to protect everything around me for so long was ready to let go. His hand reached up and took the coffee. He set it down on the counter. It was like he was reading my damn mind. He placed his hands on my cheeks and his thumbs traced my skin. He slid them down my neck and to my shoulders and slipped off my jacket. I was in just a t-shirt and jeans with black Chucks on. The jacket fell to the floor as he said “I want to kiss you” as his lips neared mine. I tilted my head up and said “Please”. His mouth fell on mine before I finished the word. Detonation. The low groan from him as I opened my mouth giving his tongue access was like that of animal. His arms enveloping me and turning around against the counter. My hands making my way around his white t-shirt covered back wanting to feel his skin so badly I shoved them up underneath. I felt his mouth turn to a smile as I did that. I leaned back and looked at him as if to ask if I could take it off. He pulled the neck of the shirt up and over his head tossing it to the floor. His dark curls falling about his face as I moved them back with my shaking hands.

What in the actual hell was I doing?

He took my hands in his and kissed them both reassuring like. I tugged my shirt up and off and tossed it over with his. I stood in my black bra and jeans. I kicked off my shoes as he stepped out of his boots. His pants still undone and I wanted them off. I slowly slid my hands around his waist to the front and pulled the zipper down feeling him behind the fabric. He leaned into my palm with another groan that I eagerly swallowed up as I kissed him harder and needier. His pants falling to the floor and he kicked out of them. He worked on my button and zipper to my jeans as he dove down to my chest and trailed kisses and nips and licks across the lace. Soon enough there wasn’t much more fabric between us. He picked me up and placed me on the counter and stood between my legs spread and wrapped around him. His eyes dancing along my body as he stopped right there. He looked up at me “I want to kiss you” as he looked down and up again while his fingers slid the fabric to the side so he could feel my wetness. I leaned back and put my feet up on him as he began to trail his mouth along my calves and to my thighs. My body responding to him with movement and sounds. His beard rubbing along my thighs felt so good. Oh so good. My hands in his hair as he got there. Right there. I could barely contain it as he kept going and I kept moving. As soon as I was close he held on and rode right through with each full body percussion that just seemed to keep coming. He kissed up my belly and to my chest again freeing my breasts from my bra as I tried to catch my breath. He nibbled and caressed me and picked me up off the counter. I could barely stand so I felt it was only fair to kneel. It was my turn to take him. But he didn’t let me do it for long. Pulling me up after just a few appetizing and appreciating minutes. The kisses still needy and primal. He wasn’t done with me and I didn’t want him to be. He turned me around and I placed my hands on the counter to steady myself. His mouth on my neck and shoulders as he slid inside me. Instantaneous gratification upon entry. Urgently I moved with him. Our bodies synched in pleasure. His skin like velvet against mine. Such thrilling satisfaction with this barely know man. A bliss I welcomed with such ease and comfort. Unalarmingly I let him have me. I let him have me as hard as he wanted. As long as he could keep going and as many times as I could handle falling over that edge with him. His hands braced for his final impact as the pressure built in me again. My body tensing and readying for release. Inaudible words and sounds loudly filled the room from both of us as we finished. Our bodies weighted and soaked with each other as we held on to that last moment, that last tingle and twinge of what just happened. Both of us reveling in it. My mind processing it as my body was still feeling it. The amusement of it. The gluttony of it. The danger of it. So unlike me but needed more than I ever knew. I accepted this good. Boy did I ever. I may never be the same and nor did I want to be now that I tasted the flavor of this one. This alien man that devoured my depression in a decadent instant and woke up everything that had been asleep inside me with his allowed intrusion. A pure self indulgent hedonistic joyride with a stranger named James that took me with a look and a couple sips of my coffee that I got in the rain. I think I need a cigarette. Glad I know someone who’s got one.

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